One of my neighbors just had her baby girl and fortunately everyone is healthy and happy…

But, there was complications in the childbirth.  The baby went into distress and an emergency C-section had to be preformed.

I’m sure it saved the baby’s life…but, it leads me to this question?  How is my neighbor doing?  I know she would do everything over again the exact same way since it means that her daughter is alive, but is she disappointed about the birth?  Is she okay mentally and emotionally?  It’s not for me to know…I consider her a friend, but we aren’t close confidants so I wouldn’t expect her to open up to me about it.

Why am I curious?

Because it reminds me of my births…With Brook, I thought I would have the movie birth where my water suddenly breaks and I tell my husband, “dear it’s time to go.”  Then we get there and it only looks like I am in pain but my hair and makeup somehow is still all in place.  Then after two pushes the baby comes out and I am overwhelmingly happy.

Yeah…that didn’t happen.  It was 36 hours of trying every induction to get her out, followed by the C-section that I swore I wouldn’t have.  When the doctor (who by the way was the on-call Dr., not my actual obgyn), told me we were going into surgery, I literally balled my eyes out.  I was terrified beyond belief, but since I couldn’t do much about it, they prepped me and I went off to surgery.  Brook was born a few minutes later and then whisked away with Travis, while I was there, still terrified by myself.  That’s when I started listening to the surgeons who were saying, “okay does the uterus look clean?  Good, let’s wash it out and put it back in.”  WHAT THE HELL!  Did he just say put it back in.  Yeah, I started to hyperventilate.  Luckily the universe sent me a sympathetic anesthesiologist who stroked my hair and told me everything would be fine.  I don’t know who she was or what she looked liked, but I remember she had nice manicured nails with red nail polish.

Then they put me in recovery for two hours and then I finally got to see my baby, but I was so scared to hold her, I thought I would drop her because I was so drugged up and disoriented.  They (I don’t know who they are…nurses, doctors), but they made me feel guilty for not wanting to hold her and well that was that, I held her and suddenly after all the shock, I was a new Mom.  Let’s not forget the nurse who basically told me I was a wuss and my pain tolerance was super low…talk about pain and guilt and confusion all in one.

But, no matter what I had a beautiful, healthy baby girl and I am grateful that modern medicine intervened because who knows what would have happened to her or I if they didn’t.

Wow, why did I just spout out that memory?  Well maybe it’s because it’s her 4th birthday today (that’s another blog), maybe it’s because I wish that I had someone to talk to when all that happened…someone with a similar experience, someone who could have helped me with the depression, guilt and frustration that followed after the birth.

My neighbors birth just made me think of how things can go from good to wrong…from planned to unexpected in the matter of minutes.  That you can have the best birthing plan ever and there is a huge chance that it will never happen.  That you should just be happy and grateful that you and the baby made it out okay, but in reality, emotionally things are not okay.  She may be just fine…happy as could be, but if I was in her shoes right now, I know I wouldn’t be.

This is the “stuff” that runs through my crazy mind, thank god I have somewhere I can write it all down in.

Shift to the next baby, well without details (yet another blog), I lost her at 20 weeks, so there again was another shock and another painful birthing experience that I was least expecting.  Again, I was alone and lost and so sad about not only the loss, but how I had to have her.

Some women are so very against the way that Western Medicine intervenes in childbirth.  There is a huge trend of home-births, natural childbirth, midwives, birthing centers, etc.  In all honesty, I totally believe in it all.  I wish that would have been my experience.  I wish I had that euphoric pain that is unbearable and when you think you are at the point of dying, you have the baby and the rush of adrenaline and hormones takes you to a happiness like you’ve never experienced before.  The best high ever!  I wish that is how I felt after Brook or Sydney.  I know I was much happier after Blake was born, but I was never euphoric.

There is even a great documentary called, The Business of Being Born.  It actually goes into how Western Medicine has made childbirth more about making money and doing things on the doctors watch, then letting your body go through the natural rhythm and progression of childbirth.  It’s really a great film and I highly recommend it…

But…

If it wasn’t for modern technology, I don’t think I would have survived Brook’s birth…the Dr. said my birth canal was too small for her to pass through…good chance she wouldn’t have made it or I wouldn’t have made it.

If it wasn’t for modern technology, Sydney might have made me so sick because my body didn’t go into any forms of labor once she died, that I might have died from her decomposition.

If it wasn’t for modern technology, Blake probably would have died too because I found out through him that I have a blood disorder that gets worse when pregnant and kills 8 out of 10 pregnancies that I could/would have.  My blood gets too thick during pregnancy and ends up clotting the placenta, killing my baby.

So where would I be without modern technology…either childless or dead or both.  So as hard as my first two birthing experiences were, they kept me safe and alive and Brook is four and thriving.

As for my birth experience with Blake…well, since I had knowledge, I had power.  I switched obgyn’s and she was the one who ran the tests and figured out why I lost my baby girl Sydney.  So, instantly I trusted her.  Through that knowledge I took medicine that helped me keep Blake alive and healthy.  We also went through the birth plan that was well planned out and iron clad and even though it meant another surgery, at least this time I was mentally prepared for it…I was as ready as I could be for the event.  Did it go perfectly…well, we had a small scare at 36 weeks and we almost had Blake then, but that ended up working itself out and we did have my c-section on the date and time as planned.

I wasn’t euphoric after his birth, but I was happy with the plan and the outcome, I was better than before.  They let me stay with him, they let my husband stay throughout the operation, so I was distracted and they honored my feelings.  I wasn’t just a patient, I was a person.

Maybe that is what people don’t like about modern medicine…it’s that we are treated like numbers, like bodies…not spirits and humans.  Now I know not everyone in medicine is that way, but unfortunately there are more that treat it like a business and less like a human helping another human.  Maybe it’s the doctor’s way of coping with things when they go wrong, maybe their emotions have calloused over, maybe they don’t care…who knows.  I do know that some do care and there are a few who are great doctors and they treat you like you are the most important person to them when you are under there care…to those doctors, thank you!

Wow, so I guess I had a lot to get off of my chest.  This is such an important part of my life.  These experiences changed me and made me who I am today, but most of all these experiences gave me the two most beautiful children I have ever seen and one sweet little sister angel to look over them.  I will never have a movie birth, but I have my family which is all that I ever really wanted in the first place.