My life is blessed…
Logically I know that…
There are people starving in this world, in my neighborhood probably, while I struggle with my weight loss. There are people who can’t have children or who have ill children, while mine are healthy and vibrant. There are people who are nervous about rent right now and how they are going to find the money to pay for the roof over their head, while I have multiple roofs and no worries. There are women and men who have to do everything and have time for nothing, while I hire people to do the things I don’t want to do and I have an abundance of time. I can go to bed safely and with knowledge that there will be no war or chance of danger while I’m unconscious while others lie awake all night in fear of their lives. I am at home with my family while soldiers are far, far away hoping they can come home to see their new born child. Logically, I know that I am blessed.
Why then am I always so sad…
Why can’t I just be grateful and happy…
I want to just change my mind, be the person I pretend I am in my head…be better than my actual self…
Be a better Mommy, be a better wife, be a better member of my family, a better member of society, be present, be happy, be grateful, be there…
I want to be…
be…
better…
but right now…
I’m just a person going through the motions…
I wish I had an abundance of wealth in my soul…my spirit…my being, but for now it is empty…
If I had that I would feel wealthy in spirit, feel vibrant, feel love, feel joy, feel energy…I would feel…
I’ve felt all of those positive things before, I want to feel them again…
That’s what I know…
Update: This is not an abnormal thing…Travis wakes up and I land in his arms a blubbering, crying mess and he’s like, “um…wow, okay.” Poor guy didn’t get the sleep out of his eyes and he has to deal with my broken self…But, he did give me some insight…
1 – No sun in over a week…and I’m solar powered, we all know that.
2 – Teaching baby’s to sleep is hard, no matter what others say, sleep deprivation has nasty side effects
3 – I know I’m PMS’ing
So, not that my feelings aren’t real, but…the odds are stacked against me.
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Tags: Thoughts
