If you know me at all, you’ll know that I am for the most part an open book. I lived part of my life ashamed of who I was…hiding who I was because I just wanted people to like me. I figured if they thought I was who they were, or who they wanted me to be, that they would like me…or sometimes love me.
How did that work out? It didn’t…
Pretending to be something…someone who you are not is exhausting and just so fake. I know that sounds obvious, but when you are “acting” you don’t always see the obvious.
Sometime in my early 20′s, I just stopped caring what others thought of me…Don’t get me wrong, I still like being liked, but I stopped caring if everyone liked me. I learned that discovering who I was and becoming the best person that I could become was more important than what others thought of me. It was freeing…
Why all this confidence nostalgia? Well, because I’m about to talk about something that everyone will judge me over. I thought about talking about this for weeks now, but was chicken to because I didn’t want people to gossip about me…to judge me.
But, here is the thing, this part of my life is who I am for the moment and to not talk about it is killing me. I also think maybe, someone who I don’t even know will one day read this and realize that she isn’t alone…someone else when though similar feelings, similar struggles.
Okay…wow what a introduction for me telling you all that I have Postpartum Depression.
Are you rolling your eyes saying, “Um, really, pretty much all women go through some form of this.”
Yeah, I know, but I have it pretty bad. It’s paralyzing and it’s one of the hardest emotional roller coasters that I have ever gone through.
I had it for just a brief moment when Brook was born. But, after I started exercising and getting accustomed to my new life, it went away.
It hasn’t gone away with this birth and Blake is already 10 months old.
For 10 months, my life has been crashing down all around me. I’ve been living in a fog and hiding from my problems through sleeping and ignoring.
What does it feel like? Imagine everything is good in your life but you are still sad.
I have everything I want and need in my life…I want for nothing, yet I’m swallowed in a sea of sadness…I’m in a fog.
Things that bring me joy now bring me sadness and I’ve done a really good job at hiding who I really am for the last few months…because no one likes to be around a sad person. Especially since they have no reason to be sad.
I have talked to my doctors and they all assure me that this is completely normal and that I shouldn’t feel ashamed.
But, I am extremely ashamed…
I am ashamed of being a cry-baby, of not being able to get out of this…
I am ashamed that I can’t control who I am…that my hormones have gotten the best of me.
I am ashamed of being on medication for the past two months…for having to be on drugs to make me want to get up and out of bed in the morning.
Why can’t I just get over this on my own?
The medication was working…I say was because I made the stupid mistake of thinking that I was better…because I was feeling better. So I went off the medication, against my doctor’s advise and now I am back at square 1. I am still at the mercy of my hormones and the medication.
I feel like the biggest loser ever.
Why cant I just be happy on my own?
I know, start taking the medication again moron and I’ll feel better…but, I just feel…hopeless, helpless and sad.
Why can’t I just be back to normal on my own?
My life doesn’t suck, but this depression does and I hate everything about it.
So, it’s back on the meds I go. My doctor wants me on them for 6 months. She said while I don’t have extreme Postpartum, I do have a decent depression going on.
So this is one of my dark secrets…I need help to be happy. I am ashamed and embarrassed, but it’s a part of who I am at this time.
And I can no longer ignore it.
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Tags: About Me
Stopping by from SITS, and I’m so glad I did. Sweetheart,
you have nothing to be ashamed about – but society makes sure
we feel embarrassed. I have been battling depression for years.
In fact, I just wrote about it yesterday: http://bit.ly/6jKI2e
I also wrote about it here: http://www.amberpagewrites.com/2009/11/writers-workshop-erase-that-memory.html
Just know, that you are not alone. That it is natural to hate your
meds. And…that it can be better.
Feel free to email me if you need to talk to someone who understands
First let me just say that the fact you are openly sharing your journey means you are so far from being a loser.
You are a strong brave woman and mother.
As I am sure you are aware, depression is a physiological disease that you do NOT have control over.
The things you DO have control over—seeking the advice of Doctors, taking the prescribed medication, exericising, etc. are the things you need to focus on and be proud of.
What a wonderful mother you are to care enough about your well being to seek the treatment you need.
Your baby is just 10 months old. That is not a very long time at all. Everyone is different and every pregnancy is different.
You need to be gentle and kind to yourself.
And you should feel like a Rock Star for coming out and just being you and tellin’ it like it is.
If people judge you, they don’t have a clue. Too bad for them. They can kiss your hiney-poo.
Your body will achieve what your mind believes, so start believing that every day is one day closer to your body working out all the kinks.
And surround yourself with people who love and support you. Sunny disposition or not!! Those are your true friends. Best Wishes to you.
My thoughts and prayers are with you, and I fully understand. I hope that you do not need to feel shame around getting help to be happy, it’s a strength to be able to ask for help. I encourage you to look at your hormonal balance (hard to find a good MD who can help with that), as well as the meds. And, rememeber – this too shall pass.
I’ve been trying to campaign to get concerned parents to pay attention to what schools are using to disinfect for H1N1. Many don’t realize that cleaning supplies are often more hazardous than the H1N1virus itself. Even bleach, because it has to be diluted properly (and usually isn’t) can be dangerous when incorrectly used. Here are some resources to help parents determine what their schools are using, and what they should be using: H1N1 in Schools and Environmental Working Group Report on Schools
I admire your honesty. Don’t be ashamed- I think lots more people go through this than are willing to admit to it. I know I didn’t want to admit it when I dealt with it after my third baby.
You should have a follow button that I could click on.
Thank you to all who left such heartfelt and caring comments!
I really believe that this too shall pass, but it’s nice to know that there are others who understand.