Abby told me in not so many words that this would happen…I didn’t listen.

We were in Vegas for a couple of days, living it up and having fun while Abby watched the kids.  When we came home she said everything went great and the kids were awesome…

Oh and Blake is eating like food is going out of style…

I should have realized she was telling me the poop of the century was about to erupt like a volcano and form a whole new portion of Earth called Poopland.

The day started out innocently enough.  We ran around town doing errands and catching up on non-holiday stuff.  Then we made a stop at Whole Foods for some lunch and shopping.  I am re-stocking our house with fresh wholesome food instead of all the crap we have been eating since Thanksgiving.

It always has to happen in public places…

While we were shopping I noticed the face…you know that I’m squirting a doosy of a twosie out Mom kind of face.  I figured no biggie, they have a nice bathroom with a place to change him so we should be fine…

Should is the right word.

We get into the bathroom and I check the damage…the diaper is completely full…so is his pants, so is his shirt, so is his back.  Okay, I’ve dealt with explosions before, this shouldn’t be a problem…

Did I mention his a wiggle worm now???

Oh yes, that started too.  Now it’s on my hands, my shirt, his hair, his hands and even in that tiny crevice of the “safety” belt that they put on a changing table that absolutely no one uses.  The poop is wedged in  that crevice…Awesome!

I finally kind of get us cleaned and get him changed into a new “just in case” outfit and I attempt to clean the changing table…Well hell, I’m just going to leave the rest of the cleaning of that to the staff here because now my half dirty kid is crawling on the really gross floor in the bathroom, trying to get some more gross germs on him because he doesn’t have enough from his own bodily waste.  Sweet!

I wash the both of us up the best I can in the sink and get back to our cart so we can pay up and get us home.  We both need to be bathed and sanitized.

Don’t worry, I told the staff about the changing table…hopefully someone got right on top of that.

Now we are checking out and I am getting all the groceries out when I discover…yes this is true and beyond gross…there is Blake poop on a portion of the groceries in the cart.  And not just a tini-tiny bit…oh no, there is like a plethora of poop, just sitting there, contaminating a whole slew of things.  The check out people look at me as if I’m one of the grossest, stupidest people that they know.  Luckily someone hands me a container of sanitation wipes and a garbage and I go to town throwing away the food that can no longer be eaten and clean off the cart.  Oh, the part where Blake sits has poop all over it too.  How I didn’t see this before I put him back into the cart is beyond me…so you guessed it, he is now covered in the poo once again…This day cannot get any better!

I continue to clean it all up, pay for what was still okay and embarrassingly get the hell out of there.  One of the employees follow me and the cart out to my car so that he can then take said cart and burn it out back once we are done with it.  He proceeds to tell me that he thought the grossest thing he’s ever seen before was a dirty wet diaper in the grocery cart, but this…this was just spectacularly worse than that.  Thanks Dude, I needed that pep talk!

We get home, we bathe, we change, we finally get clean…the joys of being a Mommy

So to recap, Blake ate a shitload of food for a couple of days and in the span of thirty seconds at Whole Foods gets rid of it.  The poop was so immense that it went up and out of his diaper like a waterfall into the cart full of groceries.  We go through two sets of clothing and forced the grocery store to probably destroy the cart and the changing table because there was no other choice in the matter.

Blake, you are one nasty dude…you are sooooo very lucky that you are cute…oh and yes I will tell your girlfriends this story when you are older, I don’t care how embarrassed you get because it will be just a little payback…Love you!