If you know me at all, you’ll know that I am for the most part an open book. I lived part of my life ashamed of who I was…hiding who I was because I just wanted people to like me. I figured if they thought I was who they were, or who they wanted me to be, that they would like me…or sometimes love me.
How did that work out? It didn’t…
Pretending to be something…someone who you are not is exhausting and just so fake. I know that sounds obvious, but when you are “acting” you don’t always see the obvious.
Sometime in my early 20′s, I just stopped caring what others thought of me…Don’t get me wrong, I still like being liked, but I stopped caring if everyone liked me. I learned that discovering who I was and becoming the best person that I could become was more important than what others thought of me. It was freeing…
Why all this confidence nostalgia? Well, because I’m about to talk about something that everyone will judge me over. I thought about talking about this for weeks now, but was chicken to because I didn’t want people to gossip about me…to judge me.
But, here is the thing, this part of my life is who I am for the moment and to not talk about it is killing me. I also think maybe, someone who I don’t even know will one day read this and realize that she isn’t alone…someone else when though similar feelings, similar struggles.
Okay…wow what a introduction for me telling you all that I have Postpartum Depression.
Are you rolling your eyes saying, “Um, really, pretty much all women go through some form of this.”
Yeah, I know, but I have it pretty bad. It’s paralyzing and it’s one of the hardest emotional roller coasters that I have ever gone through.
I had it for just a brief moment when Brook was born. But, after I started exercising and getting accustomed to my new life, it went away.
It hasn’t gone away with this birth and Blake is already 10 months old.
For 10 months, my life has been crashing down all around me. I’ve been living in a fog and hiding from my problems through sleeping and ignoring.
What does it feel like? Imagine everything is good in your life but you are still sad.
I have everything I want and need in my life…I want for nothing, yet I’m swallowed in a sea of sadness…I’m in a fog.
Things that bring me joy now bring me sadness and I’ve done a really good job at hiding who I really am for the last few months…because no one likes to be around a sad person. Especially since they have no reason to be sad.
I have talked to my doctors and they all assure me that this is completely normal and that I shouldn’t feel ashamed.
But, I am extremely ashamed…
I am ashamed of being a cry-baby, of not being able to get out of this…
I am ashamed that I can’t control who I am…that my hormones have gotten the best of me.
I am ashamed of being on medication for the past two months…for having to be on drugs to make me want to get up and out of bed in the morning.
Why can’t I just get over this on my own?
The medication was working…I say was because I made the stupid mistake of thinking that I was better…because I was feeling better. So I went off the medication, against my doctor’s advise and now I am back at square 1. I am still at the mercy of my hormones and the medication.
I feel like the biggest loser ever.
Why cant I just be happy on my own?
I know, start taking the medication again moron and I’ll feel better…but, I just feel…hopeless, helpless and sad.
Why can’t I just be back to normal on my own?
My life doesn’t suck, but this depression does and I hate everything about it.
So, it’s back on the meds I go. My doctor wants me on them for 6 months. She said while I don’t have extreme Postpartum, I do have a decent depression going on.
So this is one of my dark secrets…I need help to be happy. I am ashamed and embarrassed, but it’s a part of who I am at this time.
And I can no longer ignore it.
